admission #1.

01Apr08

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmingly and uncontrollably horny. I’ve taken a 2 week break from daily fucking to set my mind straight, mainly because things with homeboy ended so catastrophically that I lacked all energy to remedy the situation. It leads to the love-and-sex conundrum, where one party always falls for the other, while the latter slowly falls away. By the end of things I would fuck him, then quickly throw my clothes back on and curl up in a corner of the bed, wondering why the sex had changed from savage animal-like to sweet and gentle. When I told him to smack my ass one night and he bent over and kissed it, I knew things were rapidly coming to a close. I felt like one of those children who sees a shadow outside his window so he hugs his knees and rocks back and forth until morning comes. The regression of our passion disturbed me so much that I would stare for long segments of time at the boxes at the top of his closet, pretending I couldn’t feel his eyes on my skin.

Had he not instant messaged me about his feelings, I probably would have let things keep going, despite my constant absence during our sessions. There was a point when I really enjoyed having him. When I felt guilty about being selfish or leaving his bed a mess. One afternoon he wrapped one arm around my shoulders and the other through my legs, rubbed my clit and whispered raunchy French into my ear, pulling me closer to him with every new phrase. He called me beautiful and sexy and being the attention whore that I am, I ate it up and came harder each time.

It always surprised me how vocal he was. Every so often, this shy quiet guy would stare at me, breaking his silence to sell me how much he wanted to be inside me, or that he wanted to make me scream. The suddenness always  shocked me. His unexpected forwardness made both pairs of my lips swell and flush. Then he went and ruined it all by falling for me. The sex deteriorated in quality. Raw passion turned routine. But I still would have kept things up in hopes of getting back to that level we’d been at before.

Now I sit here in want for a man. I need to end this break, get out from under this rock I’ve been cowering beneath for the last 2 weeks. I’m terrified of bad sex, I don’t want to go through the emotional spiral of someone else’s bullshit. I just want to fuck and be fucked good and proper, maybe get beaten a bit, maybe bruised. And I want mine to be the only pussy in that bed.

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Tags: desire, frustration, Homeboy, sex