meta musings.

15Jun08

I can’t sleep. I woke up at seven, hazy and delirious and itchy as hell. I slept at his place again, and he’s balled up and dreaming. I counted his breaths earlier, trying to lose myself in the rhythm of it and drop off to sleep, but to no avail. I’m a horrible sleeper.

He fucked me stupid last night, making me leave large puddles in his bed. I can’t even write about how he makes me feel anymore. After it’s over I don’t remember it too clearly, but I know it’s always fantastic. He was soft last night, teasing my skin with his fingertips and caressing my body sweetly. I figured it would be more grounding — that it would leave me centered and composed but instead I felt wild and hot. We switched positions, each one designed to hit my nerves and set them ablaze more effectively than the one before it. Even our vanilla sex isn’t so vanilla. It’s precise and deliberate and overwhelming in its effectiveness.

I’m trying hard not to think so much. I never talk about the future and rarely even mention a point in time closer than a few days away. I’m so cautious about stepping on toes or setting myself up for confusion and disappointment later. Part of me thinks I deserve some stability but the rational part of me knows that stability is a mask. It coats everything and hides it and softens the edges of reality. This may be why I avoid it so often and why I find ways to make waves any time things are calm. I’m trying to avoid that. I’m quieter these days — not necessarily talking less but less about my feelings and thoughts. I’m keeping them bundled and tightly locked and only rarely do I let them out. By that time their pointed and exact and received better than I believe they would be were I to just speak as they came to me. I’m as confused, just quieter about it. It’s good and it’s bad — I’m afraid I may be forgetting how to relate.



One Response to “meta musings.”

  1. 1 cherryblossom

    I just stumbled upon your blog and I must say, so far so good. I’m liking what I’m seeing.

    This is as far as I’ve gotten and just had to leave a comment.

    I feel like I could have written this. I am in this exact position right now. I’m just keeping all these thoughts and questions about us to myself. Locked away. Kept safe for a later date…maybe. I am no less confused than I was before, I’m just shoving those feelings far in the back of my mind and enjoying the ride while I can. I have no idea what we are, what we’re doing, where we’re going, but for now, we’re here and that’s better than nothing.


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