admission #3.


My first few days in NYC have left me feeling very unsettled and confused, not to mention lonely. I’m in strange spirits right now, so I’m leery about posting any updates about my status with him and me or how I feel about anything. I feel more like having some violent sex — something to untie the knots in my brain and straighten me out a bit and give me some better perspective on things. The nap I took this afternoon barely helped at all.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been wonderful spending time with him. When he grabbed me at the airport and pressed his mouth against mine I was totally thrown back into the memories and emotion and lust that I feel every time I’m with him. I know he missed me too — he couldn’t stop touching me as we trekked through Brooklyn under a warm Memorial Day sky. He even held my hand. There’s a tight, undefinable bond between the two of us which we both enjoy. It envelops me when I’m with him.

But the warmness I feel with him contrasts exquisitely with the coldness of this city. It’s something I never believed until I realized that I was on my own. That all of the strange and fascinating people he’s introduced me to are his friends — not mine. It’s new and its disturbing. The other times I’ve been here I was completely with him and there was always someone around for company. But here by myself, I’m a little lost and lonely and I feel like a complete idiot and that the entire city is smarter than me.

But this could be the hormones speaking. I’m sore and cranky and I’m going to start bleeding any minute now. Maybe in a few days the luster will have returned to the city. Until then.

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