how to masturbate, v4.0

25May08

I’m really tired of people writing “how-to” lessons for masturbating. Always for girls, always like a form letter. Do these authors really think they’re teaching anyone anything that they don’t already know? I appreciate the lessons on advanced vaginal fisting. That’s completely acceptable and even desirable. It’s nothing you can find in a book at Borders or your local library. And it’s complicated — it takes connection with your partner, a little technique and I appreciate that everyone’s different and user-tips can be helpful (really, they can!).

But how-to MASTURBATE?!

There are so many things wrong with this. To begin: your reader reads your sex-blog because they like it. I’m sure my readers wank off to half the posts I publish, and the rest might give them some food for thought. If your blog talks about sex, it’s marked as mature content, and people read those purposely because they speak about sex. Not to learn how to do something so basic as rub one out. The only people that posts like that help are 12 year old girls who’ve woken up one morning to realize that they have breasts and don’t have a clue what “touch yourself” means. They shouldn’t be reading your blog anyway.

Also, as any sexually experienced person can tell you, everyone’s different. There’s no checklist that can get anyone off unless they design it themselves. Masturbation is about exploration. Pinching nipples or running a finger around your asshole isn’t going to work for everyone. This also applies to factoring another person into the equation. What works for one doesn’t do a thing for the other. Don’t forget that.

I’d really like to see a post on “Why you should masturbate.” It’s way more necessary and interesting.

That said, here’s my version of the “how-to masturbate” post:

  1. WASH YOUR HANDS.
  2. Touch your cunt.
  3. Find something that feels good.
  4. Rinse and repeat. (Rinse optional.)


4 Responses to “how to masturbate, v4.0”

  1. 1 Slow Learner

    If your blog talks about sex, it’s marked as mature content, and people read those purposely because they speak about sex. Not to learn how to do something so basic as rub one out. The only people that posts like that help are 12 year old girls who’ve woken up one morning to realize that they have breasts and don’t have a clue what “touch yourself” means.

    Well thanks. Funnily enough, some of us *do* get through our teens without figuring out your four steps on our own. And since no guide for teenagers *really* covers ‘how’ to masturbate- you’re lucky if they mention it at all- some of us in the name of research *will* come looking at your blog for some idea of how to proceed. Now, if this particular educational project is outside of the scope of your personal blogging mission, fine, but if someone else wants to do a bit of community service in the form of helpful tips, good on ’em.

    Of course, you’re right that most of the instructions are either far too proscriptive, or they’re so general as to be of no more use than your four point list there. I *did* find some helpful posts along the way, but having figured the concept out by means of research, accident and batteries, I can’t remember where I found them in the first place.

    And as for the why you should masturbate posts… I recommend Smut and Steff. There should be more such posts around, but they are absolutely maddening if you’re the odd one out, the one who’d really *like* to be jilling off on a regular basis, but can’t for the life of you get the concept to work.

  2. True dat. Though there are a few things that some people don’t realize. Like for guys – it feels REALLY good to stretch and squeeze your thigh muscles upon orgasm. hey whatever happened to my three way with a girl?

  3. 3 Mike

    I missed reading the guide and so I unknowingly skipped the parts of “washing” and “rinsing”, although I most certainly would have had I known. Instead, I concentrated on #2 (although the boy’s version) and quickly mastered it (no pun intended).

    Naw… never needed a guidebook. As I entered puberty, I was so glad to meet Mr.Happy, I shook hands with him several times a day.

    Silly, huh? I know. Hey, I just found you but I’ll be back.

    Mike

  4. 4 maxine

    I have some sympathy with Slow Learner. Most things you can find out for yourself, just by experimentation and remembering what feels nice and doing it again. But sometimes that can become a “circular” strategy that it’s hard to break out of, and we maybe do need someone else to suggest not an alternative but an extra, just to expand our horizons and thus our experience.

    As an example, I had always been a two-fingers-in person, with my palm and the heel of my hand providing some external stimulus. It was only when I watched Bisou at http://www.ifeelmyself.com that I discovered hands-free; what have I been missing for the last twenty-some years? Throw me that pillow!

    Collegehookerboy is committing exactly the mistake you write about in your fourth paragraph. Stretching and squeezing his thigh muscles upon orgasm might be great for him — hooray, I’m happy for him; for others it’s probably a waste of time, or worse, a distraction. (For my own part, I’m not connected enough “upon orgasm” to be able to think about stretching, squeezing, or anything else. These things happen, or not, without any direction from me.)

    Max


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: