random musings.

23May08

I’m stuck in that insatiable phase of the month. I wake up dripping, I go to bed dripping. Sometimes in between I pleasure myself. It’s strange how my entire identity revolves so much around sex. Even when I’m doing something as mundane as folding laundry or reading as I cross-country-ski at the gym I’m thinking about sex. It’s an interesting dilemma for me because for so long I refused it. I’m not really complaining — I guess only about the lack of cock in my recent life. But I think that the time has been good for me as I’ve straightened a lot out.

I think in the fall, I have to tell Jonathan to fuck himself. Maybe I’ll be a little nicer than that. He’s just a huge drama queen (king?) and that’s not the way I want my life to be. He’s fun and interesting and I’m attracted to him but not enough to ignore the crap that he puts me through on a nightly basis. I guess this is what dating is all about.

He says I like the drama. That I love the attention that these weak hearted boys shower me with and that I get a rush from that power. That I find loser boys because I can be cooler and that I don’t think I deserve any better. But he also says that I can’t deal with the repercussions and I’m inclined to agree. Very strange how the only boy I can see myself happy with is the one encouraging me to find cooler guys to spend my time with. (He’s the same one that helped me create my OkCupid profile because he wanted me to get laid more.)

I have a lot of respect for his untraditional ideas and his means of implementing them, but I’m still cautious about getting drawn in. I haven’t decided how many of my own rules I’m willing to break for him. Often, when I do, I like the outcome. But sometimes, I’m appalled with myself.

Things are about to get a lot more interesting on this blog. Stay tuned, and apologies for the lack of sex. I’m just as disappointed as you all.



4 Responses to “random musings.”

  1. 1 LuckySeven

    I’m really glad to find your blog. I’m early-ish in my journey exploring polyamoury, D/s, ethical sluttery, etc. i love how you write about both your internal process, and the sex that’s part of it.

    I especially liked your comment on Debauchette’s blog about the intimacy of being dominated….I think that’s what I like best about the trust that a woman endows me with when we go into those roles.

    I hope that you’ll take this as a high compliment when I say that sometimes you remind me of a maybe a younger Debauchette 🙂

    Looking forward to reading more.

  2. LuckySeven, I do take being compared to Debauchette as a huge compliment. Her blog is one of the first I started reading and has helped me unravel a lot of the knots that I find tied in my brain from time to time. There is one difference between her and me, and that is that Debauchette has a client base and does all kinds of sex work that I’ve yet to even touch. I’ve thought about it, but I think my psyche’s too weak.

  3. 3 bathroomtalk

    Hey girl… Wow… just stumbled upon you and your site… and I think I fell a bit in love. I get you to a 200%, let’s just say that 😉

  4. 4 LuckySeven

    Ducky, I’m glad you take it as a compliment.

    As to “weak,” that strikes me as an odd way to look at it. Almost like people who say that poly people are “avoiding” monogamy. Maybe sex work is just not your thing.


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