desperate boy.

06May08

I really like Jonathan. Our relationship has been slowly blossoming. He provides me with a lot of things I need that no one else is providing for me at the moment. Emotionally. I’m very comfortable with him — maybe it’s the fact that I know he likes me so much that he can hardly fault me for anything. I’m not abusing this power. As bitchy as I am, I can’t imagine exploiting the power I so clearly have over him. I’m a horrible person, but I have a heart.

Things had been going smoothly, progressing nicely, until last night that is. We met up to spend some time together and to say goodbye. We’re going to be hundreds of miles apart for the next few months, and I have no interest in “working” on a relationship. My mind is filled with other, important things. Like working another long and exhausting shift at work or when I’m going to have time or energy to hit the gym next.

Our afternoon was wonderful. We thrashed around on the couch, making out and touching each other like high schoolers. We started out slow and then got more aggressive. I moaned against his lips and he reached his hand under my skirt, gripping my thigh. I was hot. Wet. Then he drops it:

“I’m finally happy. I’ve been out of my depression lately and it has a lot to do with you. The idea of not having you for the summer makes me think I’ll be back into that pressing sadness until you’re back. You’ve given me a reason.”

My face turned to horror and I threw myself off of him. Had he really just said what I thought he said? Was he really attributing his happiness to ME, a girl who won’t let him take her out to dinner or agree not to see other people?

You think that I am the reason why you’re not depressed? You think that as soon as we’re apart, you’re going to crash back into your incapacitating, suicidal depression?

I told him that hearing that made me want to leave right then. To end everything and tell him we were just going to be friends instead because I can’t be his savior. He was visibly hurt, but what could I do. I think I’m right here. As much as I like him and as much as I’m attracted to him, I can’t look past this and keep things going, pretending that they’re as carefree and weightless as I want them.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong. You?



6 Responses to “desperate boy.”

  1. 1 bigmac1

    I did the same thing to a girlfriend once. Best choice I ever made. She was just too clingy – not depressed, but too attached. I knew she was moving in closer and I just didn’t feel the same.

    I’m sure you’ll be good.

  2. I think you should give him more chances. What he did isn’t that fucked up. Its a little clingy but it comes with no malice. I do prefer hb, however.

  3. I imagine that you were worried that if you acknowledged what he said about the way he felt when he was with you, then it follows that meant you were encouraging his so called “neediness.” and complicit with the feelings he had BUT this is not the case. the guy told you that a connection with you (that I read you said was feeling good and real and two sided) made him feel less hopeless in the world and that maybe life was worth living. You acknowledging and even feeling—- proud or happy that you could inspire someone else to want to be alive does not mean you agreed to marry,go steady, or any kind of promise. You can just hear his truth. thank him for having the courage to tell you and if honesty prompts you, you can say that a part of you feels scared that you worry some obligation is required of you when you hear him say something that deep. hold curiosity and compassion for both of you and sounds like you are heading in a beautiful direction of intimacy with another (not enslavement)

  4. 4 Ellie

    I think that if you are concerned about causing him any harm, then you did the right thing. But definitely don’t keep him as a “friend” that you occasionally make out with, etc. That will just cause him more confusion.

  5. 5 shaz

    Clearly it would be wrong to continue with this guy. You don’t need the validation of anonymous internet users to know what to do here.

  6. 6 armyguyot1

    Quit analysing and fuck his brains out. If he wanted a shrink he can go to one. He wants to have his dick sucked dry and screwed hard enough to last two months. Sure as hell you know how to do that. Let doctors be doctors and lovers be a fuck he can wait two months for another. I remember when I went to basic taining and V fucked me ten ways from Friday on a little beach along a river. Analysis hell.


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